Anyone who missed The Daily Show over the last couple weeks also missed correspondent Jason Jones’ trip to India, in which he intended to “export American-style politics” to India’s 1.2 billion people. Thus began the four-part report of his journey, titled, “India Jones and the Election of Doom.” However, coverage took a different direction after Jones realized that the political aspects of the world’s largest democracy were somehow doing fine without his help. Luckily for Jones, his team found a new crusade when they examined the state of the country’s news media. It’s unbelievable, but India’s news is worse than our own.
He met with Rajdeep Sardesai, a news anchor and Editor-in-Chief of CNN-IBN. As Jones tried to encourage Sardesai not to follow in the footsteps of American news, the anchor only continued to list off the American trends he’d like incorporated into his program in the future. Computer graphics, busty babes… You name it, he wants to air it. Frankly, adding anything to his show seems like an impossible task, given that their channel already looks like this:
 |
| CNN-IBN |
Yes, they're playing three videos at once. And no, you still wouldn't be able to perceive all that even if you spoke their language.
Perhaps deeming India’s cable news as a lost cause, Jones turned to print media. After all, the Economist in 2010 reported that old-fashioned newspapers are thriving in India, even calling the country “where print makes profits.” It’s no surprise then that the massive country has a staggering number of newspapers registered into circulation, currently numbering at 93,000. To fully understand how ridiculously large that number is, you should know that America (as of 2011) has a mere 1,328 registered newspapers nationwide. And while India may have four times the population of the United States, they only have one-third the land mass. I was going to use my computer’s calculator to determine India’s ratio of newspapers per area, but every time I attempt it the calculator starts trying to chew its way out of the screen and into our world.
Jones sat down with the former Chief Election Commissioner, S.Y. Quraishi, to hear his take on the state of his country’s print media. What he said was disturbing, even by American standards: “One of the problems which we have encountered recently is the paid news. It could look like a [news story], and it has been paid for.”
Quraishi went on to say that while the newspapers are supposed to identify such articles as advertisements, most of the time they simply… don’t. As a result, falsified and unmarked “advertisements” – sometimes referred to as “lies” or “shit someone paid us to print” – are rampant and growing trends in Indian journalism. Jones decided to test this by paying The Millennium Post, a large Indian newspaper both in print and online, $2,500 to run an article declaring himself to be the undisputed best reporter to ever cover India’s election. This is the same election which had been a major news topic in India over the last five years, and the same one Jones had so far covered for less than ten minutes.
It totally worked!
Originally he planned to have a journalist write the article for him, but decided it was easier to just write it himself under the clever ghostwriting alias, “Jason Jones.” The next morning, his article, composed of 100% pure bullshit, was published on page two of The Millennium Post, a newspaper whose slogan is “no half truths.” The full article can be found on Millennium’s website, here. Or wait, no it can’t, because it has since been removed. Instead, enjoy some screen caps taken by another Indian online news outline, Newslaundry.com, as well as their take on the hilariously deplorable actions of The Millennium Post, which you can read (for realsies) here.
 |
NEWSLAUNDRY.COM
|
“Hey… Hey Paul? Does this story look right to you?”
Portions of the article can be found at the Newslaundry link above, and here are a few highlights courtesy of Newsweek:
After all was said and done, Jones, along with Daily Show producer Brennan Shroff and their team, had put together a brilliant series of videos. Though the reports were covered through the sharp wit and insightful satirical methods through which The Daily Show has won so many awards – so many awards you guys – they actually painted India’s political system and its people in a remarkably positive light. Its media outlets however: not so much, and justifiably so.
This brings us to the point I’d like to talk to you about. The Millennium Post has written two articles in an attempt to shrug off the hilarious levels of ineptitude that they clearly possess. However, they don’t seem to realize that ineptitude – hilarious or not – is extremely hard to deflect when it is the core of your business model.
This brings us to The Millennium’s first response, a letter to its readers written to defend itself against Jones’ dick-slappery. It can be found here, or, since you didn’t click that, I’ll run you through the details. Written by The Millennium Post’s Daipayan Halder, the letter is pretty standard-issue as far as “we screwed up I guess, but it totally wasn’t our fault” apologies go. But I suppose he only had three options after accidentally showing the world they publish paid news, as illustrated in his company’s damage control guide:
None of those are particularly appealing options, especially if you’re an incompetent asshole. Option A has clearly been scratched out by a journalist who brought chalk to the break room, but hey, this guy wasn’t going to go the subtle route anyway. In his defense, he was at least smart enough to realize that Option B would portray him as a somewhat less terrible person than Option C. Instead of admitting to being incompetent AND immoral, he only admits to incompetence. And as an added bonus, he got to say something that is exactly half true.
“We’re going to have to institute some rules about the art supplies in here.”
In the letter, Halder immediately threw his journalist under the bus, specifying that she isn’t full-time and that “[h]er words should not be ascribed to us.” This statement implies that, even for their journalism trainees, there is no editing process whatsoever at The Millennium Post. That appears to be in stark contrast to the fact that this letter is written by a man calling himself the paper’s Executive Editor.
To be fair, he does take a brief moment to assume some level of responsibility, saying, “It was a lapse on our part to let such a story find its way into one of our entertainment pages.” But did you see it? He sneaked the word “entertainment” in there. The subtext is obviously, “Even if you don’t believe the lies I’m saying to you now, hey, at least it was just the entertainment section! So no big deal. N-B-D bro!” But we are not your bros. Don’t say that. It’s terrible. You’re terrible.
He goes on to say they’re looking to take legal action, but it makes you wonder: against whom, exactly? Who does a newspaper sue after it publishes an article about how incompetent it is? Does it sue itself? …They’re going to sue themselves, aren’t they?
 |
MAGZON.TEMLATEIFY.COM
|
“I know I should be mad, but our lawyers just did such a great job suing us for us.”
*Note: Sorry, rich Indian businessman in this photo. I know you’re not Halder, but your photograph was just too adorable to pass up. What are you daydreaming about, Mr. Businessman?
And that was the end of it. There was acknowledgement of the mistake, followed by an obligatory, half-assed apology to its readers. Halder even ended with the sentiment, “We wish to remind our readers that we will always strive to uphold the highest journalistic standards.” So, Millennium Post, surely you’ve cleared up the issue as well as you could and would like to move on from this whole affair as quickly as possible in the spirit of that whole “highest journalistic standards” thing you just mentioned, right? Unless…
Oh, right. You published a second response to The Daily Show’s whole “ripping you a new asshole” thing. That kind of seems like something you’d want to avoid, especially after you just tried to lay the fiasco to rest while shreds of your dignity remained intact. Besides, you’ve got all your journalistic standards to uphold! But hey, maybe it was just another apology. Let’s take a look at the second article, published three days after the first by a Mr. Acharya:
…Holy shit.
Did you read that? For your sake I hope you skimmed it. I’ve read it several times and I can still smell the whiskey, tears, and mysterious lubricant splattered across this guy’s keyboard. Its sentences run so long you’d think The Daily Show’s foreign report was about Kenya. It reads like the author thought using a thesaurus as a suppository would make him smarter, and it must’ve worked on some level because so much of the article is pulled out of his ass. If I learned anything from what he wrote, it’s that an author should avoid blacking out three hours before a deadline. It’s almost heartwarming to bask in the impotent, incoherent rage vomited across every pixel, because -- no matter what part of the article you look at -- your brain immediately responds by saying, “man, this little retarded boy sure did try his best.”
Did you read that? For your sake I hope you skimmed it. I’ve read it several times and I can still smell the whiskey, tears, and mysterious lubricant splattered across this guy’s keyboard. Its sentences run so long you’d think The Daily Show’s foreign report was about Kenya. It reads like the author thought using a thesaurus as a suppository would make him smarter, and it must’ve worked on some level because so much of the article is pulled out of his ass. If I learned anything from what he wrote, it’s that an author should avoid blacking out three hours before a deadline. It’s almost heartwarming to bask in the impotent, incoherent rage vomited across every pixel, because -- no matter what part of the article you look at -- your brain immediately responds by saying, “man, this little retarded boy sure did try his best.”
Right from the beginning, it’s clear you’ve struck gold with the title, *ahem*, “Jon Stewart, America’s biggest news douche.” Remember that whole “uphold the highest journalistic standards” thing the paper just talked about? Apparently their group editorial director doesn’t (I didn’t bother to capitalize the title, since they didn’t bother to either). I realize the author is referencing Jason Jones’ report, during which Jones asked a receptionist at CNN-IBN if he could speak to their biggest news douche. But – and I deeply regret that I have to actually explain this – there is a huge difference between The Daily Show with Jon Stewart calling someone a news douche and The Millennium Post calling someone a news douche. Here, let me try to map this out:
· The Daily Show can do it because they douche elegantly, as part of a quick throwaway joke in their comedy program.
· The Millennium can’t do it because they douche like a total douche, by just repeating the joke and then inserting it into a so-called professional newspaper.
Both sections of bold text above have been green lit as titles for NBC’s fall line-up.
So the previous journalistic standards are thrown out the window before the article even begins. That’s insane, but we need to keep moving through the Post’s article because looking at it for more than five minutes will make the aneurysms come back. Let’s pull up part of the article:
“He sent actor Jason Jones to India recently to do an article on ‘paid news’. Instead of any earth-shattering revelations, what does he get you, an inane interview with a humming and hawing Rajdeep Sardesai of CNN-IBN which is cleverly edited to show the clueless chap in the poorest light possible.”
Okay, hold on. Jason Jones wasn’t sent to do an article on paid news. He was there to cover India’s election, which is obvious to anyone who actually watched the videos. Paid news only shows up in one of the four segments of Jones’ report. Also, “earth-shattering revelations”? From a 22-minute comedy show? Those are the expectations? Shit, according to this person I’ve been watching The Daily Show wrong for fourteen years. And as for the “inane interview” with Sardesai… showing clips of people saying idiotic things is what they do. Professionally. That’s their job. Everything from this paragraph leads me to believe that maybe the author hasn’t seen the show.
“There was a time I used to admire Jon Stewart. In fact, that would be putting it mildly. I was a diehard fan of Jon Stewart.”
Oh. So that’s not it. I guess he was just letting his learning disabilities handle the keyboard for a while so he could daydream about ponies.
 |
MAGZON.TEMPLATEIFY.COM
|
Ponies! The answer was ponies all along!
Okay. By this point I was dangerously close to passing the five-minute maximum reading time. That length was actually recommended by my delightful Indian doctor between fits of laughter as he held a copy of Acharya’s article. I believe his exact words were, “if you keep looking at this for more than five minutes, there’s not a doctor on earth that can help you.”
I took a break and decided to do a little research into just who wrote this fucking thing. That’s when I found out that the author of this article is actually a woman. Oops! Sorry for calling her a dude so many times! I’m, uh, not very good at Indian names. For example, I had to ask that previously mentioned Indian doctor his name five times before I could remember it! Turns out it was Jeff. But speaking of Indian names, I found that until 2013, Ms. Acharya actually went by “Acharyya.” Check out the bottom of these clippings from the paper in 2012, or this blog from 2010, and you’ll see what I mean. But that’s not even worth mentioning, right? People use pen names all the time. Hell, I prefer to use my initials, because I have some pretty sweet initials. Except, wait… doesn’t “Acharya” translate to “highly learned,” “scholarly,” and (etymologically) “one who teaches by conduct”? If I didn’t know better, I’d think this person actually changed her name to a word that associates her with “smartness” just to sound more smarter! That would be like if an American news anchor started going by the name Brilliancé McDickhuge. Most people try to mask that level of pretentious self-admiration. Of course, I can’t back up the claim that she changed her name for that reason with “truths,” per se (a situation Ms. Acharya is surely familiar with), but consider this: if Ms. Acharya was willing to drop a Y from her name, who’s to say she wouldn’t add that Y to her chromosomes? Consider my apology about calling her a dude half-rescinded.
Okay, grit your teeth and clench your anus. We’re going back in.
“Now his daily show has to trawl the bottom of the barrel for inspiration and range everywhere from Iran to India to raise a laugh, picking out even more absurd ideas, creating even more ridiculous skits, so he can still prove himself important and relevant in the times of Obama and avoid any real, uncomfortable issues all in favour of a cheap laugh or a snide giggle.”
I should have warned you again about the run-on sentences. If your nose has started to bleed, contact a poison control center immediately. For the rest of you, it’s analysis time, and I’m so sorry.
First, let’s note how the author seems to think that covering news on events outside the states is beyond The Daily Show’s range. I guess The Millennium Post would prefer the west not talk about India. I wonder how much “west” that range pertains to. Is it okay for Great Britain to talk about India? I hear the two countries had a bit of a tiff a while back, but I guess since I’m in America I’m not supposed to know about that. That’s one point for you, Acharya!
Secondly, “picking out […] absurd ideas…” She thinks that sending a reporter to cover India’s election is an absurd idea? Did this person learn journalism from a Bollywood remake of Anchorman?
 |
DREAMWORKS
|
I would pay all the money to see The Legend of Raj Burgundy.
She’s right about one thing though! Clearly The Daily Show avoids topics that make people uncomfortable. For example, it’s evident how totally comfortable the author was while she wrote this… this… I’m sorry, I need to create a new word that describes both poop and turgidity. TURDigity? Nah, too easy. Ah, I’ve got it! Diarrhetoric! Quick, Beagle staff! Call Oxford and start spitballing numbers until they offer me money!
“When he asks her will you write paid news, she asks him in turn in a bewildered voice, ‘If you pay me?’ but the inflection of surprised questioning and disbelief in her voice is ham-handedly edited out so as to show that she is confirming that she will write his article only if he pays her.”
I’m unaware of editing technology capable of turning a person’s question into a statement. Does that exist? It must be reverse-engineered from a time machine, or use voice recordings from an alternate universe! Shit, why isn’t she writing an article about that?!
“If you paid some foxy fixer instead [of the reporter] who took you as another clueless American trying to comment on a complex political system and media that you haven’t the faintest idea about, and wanting a bit of self-promotion in the process , well the joke is on you Mr Jones.”
Is anyone else beginning to lose track of where the incoherence turns into xenophobia?
“I mean you seriously think someone will fall for your stunt of exposing the deep, dark underbelly or the Indian media with a hamhanded article on some Canadian bodybuilder and pollster, or make that shyster, who provides such a cartoonish description of himself that it simply makes him look like a buffoon rather than serve serious purpose. Really, such a newsworthy way to take on corruption in the Indian media. I think the Indian media is safe so long as it doesn’t have unscrupulous actors like Mr Jones and unethical journalists like Jon Stewart to safeguard its morals.”
She seems to be at a point in the article where everything she’s trying to say “ironically” is actually totally true, and she has no idea. Indian print does have a dark underbelly, and Jason Jones wasn’t the first to acknowledge it. In October of 2012, Journalist Ken Auletta, from a little publication known as The New ‘Motherfucking’ Yorker, wrote an article about the exact same thing. Jones just went the extra mile and showed it happening. Everything Acharya says is just so remarkably backward. It’s almost easier to believe that the line, “Really, such a newsworthy way to take on corruption in the Indian media,” is not her being a snarky moron, but instead an entirely sincere addition from her word processing program in an attempt to make at least one sentence true.
Real quick, I feel I should mention that was the second time she said “ham-handed” in a very short period. I realize that her article was clearly written in a frothing, delirious frenzy, and I have to assume the ham thing is some kind of Freudian slip about where her mind actually was at the time. Heck, maybe a good night’s sleep is all she needs to ease her troubled soul. That’s why I would like to offer Ms. Acharya a product that might help with her problems:
 |
VIACOM
|
I have to give her some credit though, because there isn’t a single “half truth” in her article. Everything is either entirely bullshit or a rare absent-minded brain-fart of truth. Here’s the interesting thing though… You couldn’t pay a journalist to write something this breathtakingly inane. So congratulations, Millennium Post! You’ve apparently found the answer to your paid news problem: hire lunatics.
